A Confession
I have no interest in computer science, I only like them when they solve my problems.
It may have taken me ten years, but now I can finally say, that I am no longer truly interested in computer science; whatever joy I once had for learning it simply went away. I have always believed that the point of computer science is to augment human being's ability to govern the physical world with the power of computers; but at the end it seems to me that it's exactly because I seek to govern the physical world that I try to search for power in computer science; I never truly liked it for its own sake.
To be honest, now I'm not even sure if I wanted a whole life's career in software development; for now, I'll try to graduate and get a job, and if I were lucky enough to get a job, I plan to save up money to learn theology some day; and if I, this 25-year-old failure of a man, can somehow still become a cleric, I'll probably take up that offer seriously.
To write software or develop hardware and to do research are two very different things. I sincerely hate that I've made such a mistake, and I sincerely hate the fact that I'm already this late when realizing it.
People might simply consider this a burnout; either way, I have always had much more affinity towards humanities during the earlier years of my life than I had led myself to believe. The only reason other than "it's hard to make big money with a humanities degree" is that that kind of education in China absolutely sucks ass, much like the fact that China's officially allowed Christian churches secretly puts the party at a higher priority than God Himself, which is at the very least blasphemy-adjacent. Before high school, my original plan was to learn philosophy, but I eventually decided not to after seeing how things were taught; if I do manage to pursue theology, I suppose it's simply another form of me going back to my roots.
Last update: 2025.7.19